From The Top Of The Mountain

When I was 35 years old ... my mother passed away very unexpectedly.

The second night after her death, I had one of the most intense and powerful dreams I had ever had.

It started out at a festival, a festival taking place high in the mountains. There were people dancing together in small groups. They were dancing in a vast open field of very bright and vivid green grass. In the distance you can see another mountain. It was a classic shape, with a snowy peak that was set against a soft pink sky. The day was clear and bright.

Someone in a close group pointed and called out for us to look at the mountain. A halo of light started to emerge from behind the top of the peak. I was not just sunshine, but also energy. It felt like love. As the light became brighter and more intense, everyone on the platue started to rise off the ground. I felt my body rising higher off the ground the more love I was able to feel. I felt at peace; no feeling of want.

Just as slowly as we all rose upwards, our descent started, and the feelings of love that I felt with such intensity started to fade. I felt deprived. I could feel it being taken away. It also seemed to get darker. It was over ...and then I opened my eyes ....

The dream stayed with me... For the next couple of days I felt connected and close to my mother.... and loved.

The Big Bad Wolf Continued

Since writing my last post; I have been thinking about that Big Bad Wolf... and what it means to me.

It's a theme that has been running with me for a long time... it crops up every so often.

Now... I am not the wolf... but not really Red Riding Hood either.

My own personal wolf, right now has been defining my spiritual structure... a very cerebral wolf indeed ... but your wolf can be anything...

A co-worker, family member, spouse, drugs & alcohol, cigarettes, health, your credit card balance?

Anything you might fear... fear is a very strong emotion... it disables as well as enables...

As I get older I tend to meet fear head on ... get it over with... like ripping off a band aid... do it fast; it will hurt less.

I have even put myself in the path of the wolf... just to find out if they were a wolf in sheep's clothing. Every wolf will reveal itself in end... They can't help it. Again - you can only hold back that tidal wave for so long... why struggle ... go with the flow and enjoy the ride.

If someone has bad intentions towards you... the best defense/offense sometimes is not to react and watch them spin...

You can control somethings; like the drugs & alcohol ... even the credit card... That just takes strength, your own will, and time....

Time is a wonderful thing.... it reveals... and it also solidifies...

From Around A Tall Hedge

One of the first dreams I can remember was about the big bad Wolf.

I can look back on it now and wonder why it did not scare me.... He was a classic ..... Walking around back from a very tall and long hedge.... standing there ... tall; looking at me ....

I was Four or Five years old .... and I remember very clearly waking up, going downstairs, and eating breakfast. Thinking about the big bad Wolf as I ate a bowl of cereal. Knowing that it was just a dream and I was totally safe in my parents kitchen, flooded with sunshine from the large glass sliding door. My mother totally oblivious as she moved about the kitchen, and smoking her morning cigarette.... my brother sitting at my side.

Since then I have always been fascinated with the theme of little Red Riding Hood... The older I get the more important that dream becomes... Who was the Wolf? I was ignorant of its meaning as a child eating that bowl of cereal.


I have always felt protected...and have always easily ;without effort ...skated along.... urged forward by unseen angels? Maybe even protected by that very wolf....

One thing that I have always fought ... my own personal tidal wave ... Inactivity. I loved my warm unfocused lazy bubble.

In High School I lost 85 pounds... In my 20's I joined a gym, I never became mussel bound, but did stick with, and enjoy it...working with 3 personal trainers over those years.... I slowed down in my 30's ... a creeping back problem. In my 40th year I made a big push... to finally conquer that personal tidal wave of inactivity.

I challenged every self doubt and fear I could think of.... What a few years.... I started volunteering my butt off... a homeless organization... a school for deaf children... tutoring early readers at a local elementary school.... I joined a softball team ( this coming from an overweight teenager who dreaded field day )... I started marathon training... and took knitting and glass blowing classes... and I survived... a solid 2 year process....I burnt out... but survived. I proved to myself that I can .... Live with, and not fear my own Big Bad Wolf of self denounced inactivity.

The Bread Crumb Trail

If I look back on my all my years, and follow my bread crumb trail of jobs and personal accomplishments... I can easily dismiss it all with self doubt and tear it all down in comparison to others successful accomplishments.

I have had the "Life of Riley"... no worries... the silver platter never looked so good. But still, you can set the stage, put on the costume, act the part... and still have an audience of crickets.... Poor me ... how sad... what a waste.

I gave up trying to attain perfection years and years ago... and that was a hard lesson and pill to swallow to find my peace.

My bread crumb trail started early;in Kindergarten... and continued almost to this very year... I lived in an unfocused bubble... I was comfortable, content, and in my own tower; built very tall and strong.

I had no confidence in my own potential, no faith in my natural talents, no ambition, no passion ... and compared myself to others and popular culture...

I did have dreams... lots and lots of dreams... I was born day dreaming.

I was so busy looking at the perfect ending ... that I would sabotage own goals... How could I ever get there? Justify my very existence? Make my parents proud and show them my big boy pants....

I able to look back now.... and see how it all falls into place.... I am proud of my bread crumbs...

For years, unconsciously, I had been working on my own personal tools, driven by instinct... little by little.

I am a jack of limited trades... I cannot build a house... but I do know how to pick one! I am packed to the brim with common sense... I have navigated my way forward staying true to my instinctual path...

I am proud of my big boy pants...

Beginning... Middle... End

The passing of time can bring clarity... Good and Bad Or Agreement and Regret

I would like to very agreeable with the universe and say that I do not have any regrets, but in 45 years a few nasty little regrets are bound to pile up ... The past is the past and cannot be changed. I would not change anything if I could.

You can control your own actions, but will always fail when trying to control other individuals and events. Even if you think you can ... use every ounce of energy you have... back them against a wall... like holding back an oncoming tidal wave... you will eventually give in and fail, and lose what you so desperately want to keep.

Now we have all been there... A lover? A job? your youth? your child? your house? your pride?

There is always a beginning and always an end... it takes place everyday in your own daily routine. From the moment you open your eyes in the morning. Think about that.

I have been lucky enough to have been able to appreciate and see this from a toddler to now. Did I agree with it, and like it ... that's a different story.

When you surrender, and are able to observe, appreciate, and accept what is out of your control... it becomes easier.

For a year of my life I worked in a nursing care facility ... Helping my residents take care of their daily needs... With the passing of time they watched with fustration as their bodies failed to respond to their own will and control.

OH... the anger, disbelief, denial, desperation... I witnessed... What ever happened to growing old gracefully?... Very few residents were content with the natural process of ageing that every life form has to go through... Beginning/Middle/End.

For myself... I can only appreciate and honor my actions and choices of the past...and enjoy where I am in the now...

Your Actions Define Who You Are

I have been doing energy work for years; For 23 years to be exact.

For a large portion of those years I have done it for myself and not as business.

I consider it a part of who I am, and also physical extension of my spirituality. It works for me. It has carried me through some very dark moments in my life.

I am a skeptic, a conservative, but I am also a believer that all things are possible... and that one subject point can have a multiple of realities of truth attached to it.

I believe you should do what works for you, listen to others, respect who they are ...and what they believe and say, but at the same time, hold true to your own instincts. They will always lead you to where you want to go, and what makes you happy.

For years I have been told my heart is not open... Ahh... that's a big one! My heart is not open? I thought it was... I would like to think I am a compassionate individual, I know how to show love, and I enjoy being loved. I know the difference between right and wrong. I give when I can. What more can I do? What defines and open Heart?

Respect.... respect for others and of yourself ... your actions define who you are.

To have an open heart and continue to dwell there ... does not mean to go about life stumbling along your path. Keep your eyes open, and look ahead.

Into The Void

"There come moments in your life when you realize that you have only one thing, and that is yourself. All the props that you use during a lifetime to make yourself feel at ease in the world will eventually fail. If you have been in relationship with others who have fed meaning into your life, someday you will awaken and find yourself alone. if you have children, they grow up; if you have an important position in life, you retire or it is taken away from you; if you have beauty, you become old; if you are powerful, you become weak and infirm."

I love this quote.

About four years ago I moved away from my comfort zone and home of the past fifteen years. My friends, my family, my well constructed everyday life... all let go.

I enjoy shaking things up. I enjoy learning through change. I do not worry about failing and tossing myself into the void of nothingness, how else can you learn about who you are and what you want to achieve. This does not mean I do not like stability in my life. I do like the slower lane.

So... I found myself sitting in a new house, living in a new town, looking for a new job, and with nothing to do but start again from the beginning. What did I do?

I embraced my decision, and trusted the void... it could not hurt me.

To Each His Own

We are very lucky indeed...

Our Planet and all it's life was born from a delicate balance... No matter if you believe in God and his actions or shear Luck of the draw. You have to acknowledge that our everyday lives and very existence is a miracle.

But do we treat it that way? Do you appreciate that the sun is shines everyday and it warms your very soul? Do you live in moment? Can you step aside from your ego? Can you love another without fear?

I know that everyday Life is not easy... It can be difficult and shocking at times ... Just watch the news.

We Worry ... We Doubt ... We Fear... We Hide... I do all those things on a daily basis...

I know that I am very Lucky... I am breathing... I have a full stomach with a roof over my head.


I stopped watching the news. I got tired of watching all the violence with only a few glimpses of Love and compassion.

We are definitely a bunch of primates... with a lot of rules and regulations on how to live and how to act.

For now I am living in the moment, and making the most of each day. My eyes are open and I am not ignoring what I see.

The shift has begun.